Relationships can be extremely confusing. Our society has portrayed ROMANTIC LOVE and sent US messages of passion, pain and drama. Very little has ever been taught about healthy and life-enhancing love.
We all want a secure, safe, loyal and real relationship, and often struggle to obtain it. For men and women to unite harmoniously, our world requires a higher consciousness.
Step 1: Make It Your Mission to Create and Know a Powerful Relationship with Yourself
The Law of Attraction allows us to understand that any relationship we create comes from the vibration of the relationship with ourselves.
Yes, we would all like ‘that perfect someone’ to “complete” us, however the truth is: if we are not complete we won’t attract and maintain a relationship that fills in our insecurities. In fact we will attract a relationship that shows them up even more severely.
Haven’t we all noticed that often the same themes and patterns are running through our unsuccessful relationships? Do we have patterns of being abandoned? Have we had the repetitive experience of attracting unsupportive or even abusive partners? Do we find that it is extremely hard to hold our space and stay calm in those inevitable moments of relationship disruption?
Yes, this is generally the case. Why is this? Because we are not in our power before entering a relationship. The only way we can maintain a healthy relationship is to know and hold our self-worth, self love and self-respect and not need that void filled by another person. This certainly doesn’t mean that a healthy partnership won’t add to the experience of love. If we areauthentically in our power, a love partner certainly will. That’s what the dynamic of love is all about!
It is so true that unhappy singles will create one half of an unhappy couple. Of course it is scary at first to realise the need for a ‘relationship-fast’ in order to be able to find yourself and create your own sustainable energy, as this may be the last thing you want to do.
So many women believe that they are nothing without a partner, and this is because not so long ago (less than a few generations) a women’s survival relied upon a man. Anciently, a woman’s survival literally depended on her clinging to her mate. If she didn’t comply and was thrown out of the hut or cave she would starve to death!
Women (and men) need to understand the importance of bringing a whole and emotionally healthy individual, as themselves, to the table in a relationship. If this isn’t the case one individual will always being trying to steal energy from the other, and the compliant (the person allowing the stealing of energy) will become defensive and try and take it back. Before long power plays and control issues have emerged.
The Law of Attraction which states, ‘like attracts like’, also reminds us:
if we are stable, whole and in our power, the chance of attracting another individual who mirrors this is greatly improved. Another phenomenon is that the ‘broken’ individuals who
we used to be attracted to will be less likely to arouse our attention.
Our cells in our bodies ‘talk’ to each other people’s cells and ‘recognise’ each other. This is the mystery of attraction. Very much like the ‘dance’ the co-dependent can do with the narcissist. The narcissist intuits that the co-dependent has poor boundaries and will be easy to invade, and the co-dependent senses a damaged individual who needs fixing. Much of this ‘knowing’ can be deeply subconscious – yet is a powerful driving force.
There is an old joke, which really isn’t funny – it goes like this: What happens when the co-dependent meets the narcissist? Answer: They get married.
A wonderful relationship with ourself is imperative, and requires self-ownership and self-work. The rewards in a future relationship and every area of our lives now are truly worth it! Make your ‘relationship fast’ a fabulous and exceptional experience of becoming all that you can be!
Step 2: Clean Up Your Unfinished Business
Nearly everyone has suffered emotional pain and trauma. It’s vital to check in with the emotional fears you still may be carrying. If you resist looking at these emotionally ingrained ‘less than’ beliefs, and simply suppress your pain, you’ll face experiences of re-living the very things you fear about love. Yes these wounds are painful, but there is no need to keep re-living the same abandonment, abuse, and disappointments. Whatever is unresolved from the past will continue to re-present itself until you have transcended and healed it.
Emotional wounds are literally the ‘super-glue’ that hold down powerful defunct belief systems within our subconscious. We may conceptually know that we want a healthy relationship, yet if the subconscious (by associated emotional memories) has decided, “Love equals pain”, “People who love me abuse me,” “People who love me believe I’m unimportant”, and “People I love love someone else more than me and leave me,” (just to scratch the surface. No matter what we ‘believe’ or strive for, our subconscious will manufacture experiences that are a direct hit with these emotionally-charged belief systems.
The great news is: no longer does emotional re-programming have to
take years of painful therapy. With awareness and an openness to change, the results can be powerful and instant.
This part of our process is about ceasing the futile exercise of trying to get retribution and approval from people in our past and working through forgiveness of progress – Forgivness of self, realizing that our soul planned everything perfectly so that we could evolve and truly step into our Divine Right.
These unresolved emotional traumas relate to ‘less-than’ love belief systems that will play out in every area of your life and be magnified within a love relationship dynamic. This is why they need to be transformed into belief systems that do reflectthe reality you wish to live before creating a relationship. It makes life so much easier and creates a fulfilling relationship without the pain.
Step 3: Learn How to Say ‘No’
Too many women are fearful of saying ‘no’, asserting their identity and being able to have a clear definition of Self. It is sadly a part of women’s DNA to comply, people-please, give, be submissive and keep everyone else happy. This is a dangerous formula for relationships. Women have learnt over the centuries to deny their own feelings and even when their inner navigator is telling them ‘no’, they feel guilty and say ‘yes.’
Learn assertion and move past the fear of being everything a guy would want you to be, and stop worrying about needing to please him and to be seen as ‘easy going’. Having healthy boundaries does not mean being neurotic! It simply means knowing who you are, what your truth is and what you stand for. This defines you as a person in your own right, which means you’ll be respected and admired by an emotionally mature partner. He (or she) will treat you as an equal and recognize you as worthy.
Healthy Identity means – if you don’t want to eat Chinese Food then tell the truth. It means – if he asks you to do something that you don’t want to do, you speak up. It means you have the ability to retain your thoughts and feelings, your interests and your personal resources.
Have a look at every area of your life. Women with poor boundaries, who struggle to say ‘no’ in their everyday lives, tend to put up with behaviour within love relationships that they never thought they would, and then feel responsible for fixing it. They don’t know their limits and haven’t yet discovered their worthiness. These women tend to give and give till it hurts and then wonder why they feel so broken and drained. They have limited support from other people around them, and if they were really honest they would admit they struggle to accept support, and feel guilty when it’s offered.
These women are running subconscious belief system programs such as: “If I don’t do everything for everyone I won’t be loved”, and “I’m only lovable for how good I am, and how capable I am.” Most of us were brought up by mothers who were compliants, or if they weren’t and demanded a lot from us, we may have taken on feeling loved only if we performed what was expected.
I can’t emphasise strongly enough how important healthy boundary training is for women before they enter love relationships. We all want a big strong man to protect us and provide our boundaries for us. By failing to protect ourselves we run the risk of attracting a man who will damage our flaky boundaries even more. Relationship intimidation, violence and abuse is a big society issue and many women are living within the torture of their own inability to say ‘no’, and the fear of the repercussions if they do. Point blank:
If you feel unsupported by others, you’ll attract an unsupportive mate.
If you are intimidated and manipulated by others, you’ll attract an intimidating and manipulative mate. Life is already showing you a mini version of what you’ll experience in love.
Learn and enjoy the empowerment of being able to say ‘no’. By doing so you’ll have a surplus of energy to say ‘yes’ to the aspects of life that will serve you.
Step 4: Be Selective and Responsible When Choosing a Mate
Would you walk into a used car lot and take the first car simply because it has a feature you like, without checking out the vital components? Like saying “Great stereo, don’t care how many kilometres or the state of the tyres, hand me the keys!” Of course you wouldn’t! How many of us have fallen into an unhealthy relationship simply because we felt an attraction.
Attraction alone can be deceptive and extremely dangerous. Don’t be foolhardy; remember the point previously about ‘cells talking to cells’. Just because you feel an attraction to a particular partner does not mean they will be good for you. Look deeper.
I highly suggest, before putting yourself into the arena of dating, to get clear about what you’re looking for and know what character traits are a healthy addition to your life. Write a list of the traits you would like to receive in a man or woman (before assessing physical attributes), and work at living aligned with these traits yourself. Be clear what you deserve to receive. If you aren’t, you’re taking pot luck at reaching the desired destination. No different from jumping into a taxi and when the taxi driver asks ‘Where to?” you reply “Wherever” or “I don’t know”.
When meeting a prospective partner. ask the right questions and don’t be frightened of scaring him off. If you have been a victim of past abuse, I suggest the following checklist:
- Does he display responsible behaviour? Excessive drinking and not worrying about driving is not being responsible.
- Does he have reverence and respect towards women? Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Does he take responsibility for his previous relationships, or is he a ‘blame thrower?’ What is his opinion about men who abuse women? etc. Please note: Holding the door open and buying you a meal and drinks, offering his jacket etc. does not necessarily mean he is respectful. Be very very aware narcissists commonly woo women with such charming behavior.
- Does he have long term friends, and what are these friends like?
- Does he have a stable history in regard to credibility, employment, credit ratings etc?
- Is his language respectful?
- Does he respect himself? Be mindful if an individual doesn’t respect and look after himself he will have a limited ability to respect and care for you.
- Take note of how other people he knows see him, and ascertain whether they respect him and trust him.
None of this investigation process needs to be intrusive or disrespectful. It is your sacred right to research what you are getting yourself into. If a man becomes defensive or cagey about answering your questions, be wary. If you feel that there are discrepancies in his stories, don’t doubt yourself. Look further. If he has a troubled and fragmented past, stop making excuses and know you’ll be signing up for more of the same. There are enough great guys out there to not invest in emotionally damaged goods.
A woman in her power is the one choosing a mate; she is not giving into a man who has chosen her.
Men respect this and are very attracted to women who operate in this dynamic. Ask yourself: Is this man a person you would have as a close friend or an associate? And take the rose-coloured glasses off when you make the appraisal. If he isn’t – why would you take him on as a potential life partner?
Step 5: Take Time to Connect
We all know there are couples who meet, have whirlwind romances and it works out wonderfully. However, if you have a past history of abuse and disappointing relationships, is it worth the risk of falling straight in? Go back to ‘old fashioned’ values. Allow him to court you and get to know him before you start a sexual relationship. Too many women get into bed far too quickly.
Yes it can feel so right and yes he may seem to be what you are looking for, but why hand your body over immediately. Your body is a temple and by connecting with another individual sexually you are allowing them fully into your space and into your soul.
Be selective about who moves into this space, and be aware that building a
relationship step-by-step is the most sensible way to create a foundation that will last.
If he doesn’t want to take the time to build this union, then he isn’t the right guy. If you fear losing him because you aren’t having sex, then you have self-deservedness issues to confront. Make sure he meets the criteria of the values you deserve to receive, rather than allowing him into your psychic space without checking whether or not he is worthy of being there.
Just like a woman in her power chooses a guy, she also decides when she is ready to enter a sexual relationship. This shows healthy self-respect and attracts men who have the capacity to be respectful.
Step 6: Make Sure You Are Both on the Same Page
If a man says he doesn’t want a serious relationship – get it through your head: He doesn’t want a serious relationship! I don’t know how many women I know who have connected to men who stated this at the onset, only to have to face heartbreaking facts one week, six months, two years or five years down the track. If your truth is ‘a serious committed relationship’, don’t waste your time. Stop fooling yourself into thinking he’ll change his mind and fall in love with you enough to commit.
Get out of scarcity thinking! Just because he’s a guy that you want as a partner, don’t think you can’t manifest another with these qualities who is available to commit.
When a woman moves into her awareness of her ability to manifest what she
does want and does deserve, she moves out of trying to turn the ‘crumbs into cookies’ and knows she can hold out for the real thing.
She has faith that men who are close to ‘her order’ reflect she’s getting closer and closer to creating the right life partner.
Before connecting sexually to a partner, check to see if he wants what you want. And this goes for all major values such as fidelity, life-style etc. Stop trying to change a man after the fact into who he has to be to make you happy. Accept what he is, move on and work on yourself enough to attract and create a relationship with a man who is heading in the same direction.
Step 7: Retain Your Identity
“Women live continuously in the love room.” It’s true! So many women constantly talk about their partners, what they are or aren’t doing, and even what their partners feel and think! It’s scary to realise we can get so wrapped up in another person that we forget to understand what we feel and think. Many women are severely co-dependent. We end up idealizing our partners so much that we forget to look at the truth of our life, what is or isn’t healthy and how to take responsibility for creating and maintaining it.
Retain your interests, your friends and your personal purpose and passions.
Healthy men don’t appreciate clingy women who require him to make decisions and continually take charge of her life. This version of women (which is many women) is a narcissistic man’s dream. Because your focus is on him, he can easily throw you off balance, control you and feed off your energy. Healthy women know when to detach and do their own thinking and enjoy activities outside of their relationship. These women have a healthy self-identity and are much more likely to create and maintain healthy relationships.
Step 8: Work at Intimacy
Many people mistake intimacy as sexual contact. Intimacy is about the ability to be real, vulnerable and emotionally honest. Any relationship without intimacy is under strain. In our new world evolution of spiritual and equal partnerships, this is becoming even more apparent. I truly believe it is up to women to lead the way with intimacy! Women tend to share deep feelings more readily then men do. For centuries women have had the ability to connect to other women and share their feelings. Men traditionally struggle to share their feelings with their peers, and were not encouraged by society to do so.
If you have a healthy self-identity, it is easy to be honest. And this means being honest about your weaknesses as well as your strengths, without fearing that someone is going to rip you down. Vulnerability also means being honest (in an accountable way) about insecurities and fears within the relationship rather than projecting them in a blame throwing way. True intimacy and vulnerability also means apologising immediately as soon as you know you are being unreasonable or out of line, as well as speaking up clearly about what you need and what you won’t accept without regressing into ‘tit for tat’ retaliation behaviour.
If you hide your emotional truth from a person with whom you want a meaningful relationship, this means you have not as yet accepted yourself. Fear of intimacy and trying to get someone’s attention and then keeping them at arm’s length with defense mechanisms is one of the most confusing and soul-destroying traits of narcissitic adults. Be honest with yourself. Are you terrified about letting another into your inner world because of the fear of being hurt? Work at it step-by-step with your partner, otherwise your relationship will never reach the depth of connection that you wish it could.
If you have created true intimacy and emotional trust outside of the bedroom, you’ll experience a transcendental and glorious experience in the bedroom!
Step 9: Work at Communication
It’s extremely stupid to think there’s never going to be strained times in a relationship. Women can glorify their relationships in the honeymoon period and think, “We’re so compatible, we’re so alike. I can’t ever imagine having a cross word with him let alone an argument.” This is falsity and total romantic idealism.
Real relationships go through troubled times and challenges and the relationships that do survive (which are unfortunately rare) are the ones where healthy communication takes place. So don’t be shocked when insecurities, power struggles and general disagreements occur.
Just as you thought your compatibility was so right at the start, begin to value and welcome differences. Be aware of healthy interdependency. This means having an open mind, and being emotionally secure enough to sincerely listen to, appreciate and understand another person’s point of view.
Think about this: two people could look at one object and see two totally different
things. And both people may be totally right. There will be times when you both look at life through a separate ‘lens’ (conditioned thinking) and come at it from a totally different angle.
When we become emotionally stable and mature individuals, we begin to realise that the sum of two separate (and even opposing) parts can create a greater whole. In fact a ‘third’ solution can be born that has transcended the ‘difficulties’ and created a spectacular outcome whilst honouring both views.
In order to become such an individual participating healthily in a ‘win-win’ relationship, there is a need to take the journey from Co Dependence to Independence to Interdependence. Sadly, our society training has been very deficient in creating emotionally honest and open communication. Most individuals have no idea what healthy interdependent communication is and have a very limited ability to genuinely listen (without defense mechanisms), whilst pushing their lens of interpretation upon the other person.
Step 10: Make Regular Emotional Deposits
Relationships require regular fertilizer to thrive. Many times it’s the small things that count. Giving truly from a space of ‘the joy of giving’ is a very spiritual and enriching experience, and a person needs to be very comfortable and solid in their own skin to do it.
If you are filled with you own well-being, self-love and self-respect, you have a powerful ability to be a true giver, and a gracious receiver.
If you give genuinely from a place of pure love, without the need for accolades, recognition or return, you experience the true gift of giving. If you give without the burden of guilt or because ‘it’s expected’ of you, you experience the true freedom of giving.
A person giving with an open heart (without fear) will make beautiful emotional deposits into their relationship. It may be the thank you note, the little gift, or the assistance granted without being asked. And the returns will be enormous because the man that receives you as a true and empowered giver will feel safe to give also from his heart without feeling guilty or because it’s ‘expected.’ This grants both parties freedom.
Regular emotional deposits into your ‘relationship account’ make for a healthy relationship investment.
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